a little background

My coming out story comes in sections. Here is a short version:

I had a series of “identity realizations.” I first came out as a lesbian in the mid-80’s. That didn’t go very well with my parents. We worked together over time and they came to understand more about me and my sexual orientation. At that time I was somewhat feminine — especially when I was “dressing up.”

In about 1994 I met Leslie Feinberg who wrote “Stone Butch Blues.” The book is a novel about a lesbian in the 1950’s who questions her gender and lives her life as a “man.” Leslie came to Cornell, where I was working, and gave a lecture about the book. She was wearing a double-breasted, gray pin-strip suit, wing-tip shoes and her hair was in a flat-top. She blew my mind. She looked the way I wanted to look and was told that I wouldn’t be successful if I did.

She gave me a model for who I wanted to be. The internet was pretty new, there weren’t many books and I didn’t know much about transgender folks. I started wearing men’s cloths full-time and gave my dresses away and starting wearing my hair in a flat-top. My parents came for a visit and weren’t very happy about it. I was pretty sure that my journey would not include transitioning to male. I used to call where I lived “the gender gray.” Now I identify as gender queer. My parents came to appreciate how comfortable I am in my skin and that I became an advocate and educator around the issues.

Power in Expression

What does it mean to get to look, dress and act in a way that is true to yourself? It means joy! It means feeling at home in your skin. It means letting the world see who you truly are! It means that you don't have to play the by the gender rules you have been taught since birth. It means freedom!

If you are someone who wants to break the rules to be true to yourself -- find places where you can do it!! Find the joy that comes from being true to yourself.

Gender Rulebook Project

As I have said in a previous post, I'm a big believer that each of us is given a gender rulebook when we are born. We are given pages on a daily basis. Sometimes we are given the pages overtly. An example would be that girls wear pink and boys wear blue. We are also given pages covertly. An example would be when my mom told me that I walked like a cow (code for "I didn't walk like a girl").

So -- in my posting I will be talking about the gender rules that I know, have heard and I'm looking for others ideas about the rules that they know and have heard.

Lost a Great Man

I wanted to take some time and acknowledge the loss of a great man and an important member of the trans community. On Thursday 1/14, Dr. Maxwell Anderson died.

I first met Max at the first True Spirit Conference close to 15 years ago. At that time he was going to conferences and showing a slide show about top surgeries that had gone wrong. My "favorite" was a slide of a surgery where the surgeon had only put one nipple back. You would think that the surgeon might look at the chest and say "It seems like something is missing!"

The next time I met Max was at a showing of the documentary "Southern Comfort" in Austin. I had the opportunity to drive Max back to his hotel. We talked about the changes and improvements in top surgeries, the changes that he had seen in the gender community, and just about life.

He had a very generous spirit and a warm heart. He will be missed.

You can take your paradigm and ....

I want to make it clear that I don't want or have to fit into the traditional gender paradigm of two genders: man and woman. I can still exist, live my life, fully express myself and not fit into those of so tiny boxes marked: m/f.

I find that when I talk about who I am in the world people often tell me that it makes no sense and can't be done. I can assure that it CAN be done and is done by myself and others.

Just because it doesn't make sense to people doesn't mean that it can't be done. There are many ways to live outside of the traditional gender boxes.

Gender is fluid, evolving, expansive, and fantastic. Gender needs be given room -- not be confined, contained and limited.

Perils of Air Travel

Having flown over the holidays, I'm aware of the peril of being trans and going through security. I made it through all of the security hoops without an issue this time -- hurray.

Some people called me "sir" and some "ma'am." I always was hopeful that the person who was looking at my driver's license was on the "ma'am" side since the "F" box is the one with the "x" in it.

On this trip I was lucky. I didn't have to be personally searched. That has been exciting for me in the past. The rule is that the TSA searcher needs to be the same gender as the person being searched. Usually for me this means that a man is called over, he then looks me in the eye, raises an eyebrow, then calls over a woman. The woman looks questioningly over with a "are you sure" in her eyes. I nod and she comes over and pats me down. If I'm feeling sassy I thank her for the massage which usually makes her blush and scamper off.

Then there are the airport bathrooms. If you have to take your language in -- it is not simple to get in and out as quickly as possible. In larger airports I can usually find a "family" bathroom -- that is always a reason to celebrate.

The Memphis airport doesn't have any -- so what is the plan of action?!?!? Find the women's bathroom farthest from the busier gatea, stand outside and see how busy it is. Get in and out as fast as possible without making eye contact with anyone.

Now they are talking about having full body scanning machines at airports. Really?!?!? You want to see what I have under my clothes? What if what is under my clothes has very little to do with what is on my driver's license? Whose business is it to know that information? Some of my closest friends don't know the answer -- why should a TSA screener know?

I agree that we want to be safe when we travel. AND -- who gets to be safe? A full body scan doesn't make me feel safe. Knowing that others in the gender community are going to be scanned and questioned doesn't make me feel safe.

Having control over my gender identity and expression and who knows what about my body does make me feel safe.

So -- we will see what new security measures are passed and whose security is comprised. Stay tuned.

Is it too much to ask?

I use third gender pronouns -- ze and hir. Now the trick with using these pronouns is getting others to use them.

Here are some of the issues:

1. Most people don't have to tell people what pronouns they use. We don't usually introduce ourselves with our name and our preferred pronouns. So if I want people to use the pronouns, I have to tell them. This often feels like a big deal. When do I tell them? How are they going to react? Am I going to have to give them an explanation of why I use them and why it is important to me?

2. I don't usually talk about myself in third person -- so people can't just pick up on the pronouns I use.

3. Even if I do let people know about my pronouns, I then usually have to draw a chart and give a small grammar lesson.

Responses that I often hear:

1. That is too hard and complicated.

2. I don't want to get it wrong -- so I'm just not going to try.

3. Why are you trying to use language that no one knows or cares about?

4. That will never catch on.

5. How is it possible to live in a third gender space -- there is no such thing.

6. Why do you make life so hard on yourself? (code -- why are you making this difficult for me?)

7. I'll try -- but I will make mistakes and I hope you will be patient with me.

Bottom line -- Is it too much to ask to have my identity and language respected?